Thursday, 13 December 2012

Holding my own space

Someone suggested to me the other day that starting a blog would help my learning. My ears pricked up and here I am, effortlessly making time to get my learning happening.

The reason it began tonight is because: 1. I went for a massage at Kiva Spa today, and that really made my body recognise its need to slow down; 2. my hosts went out for the evening; 3. I cancelled all plans.

This evening, I started doing the ATM from the morning of the second day of the training.

Several observations:
  • I need my own space or a space where I can set a strong intention, in order to carry out an ATM. Being in other people’s spaces, I have been easily distracted. I have this phobia of being interrupted or “busted” by others.
  • Meanwhile, it’s easier for me to commit to an ATM when other students and a teacher are around.
  • I am not so intent on making “good” movements to “please” the teacher (a habit wired in from growing up) when I’m alone. However, the presence of a teacher makes it more difficult for me to give up. (I took a dive bomb out of this ATM about 10 mins before the end because I was falling asleep and my hosts arrived home.)
  • It is easy to simplify your life; you sometimes just have to say no to others.
  • My big habit is my big fear of the outcome not being good enough, being a failure. This makes it challenging for me to focus on the details.
  • I was comforted by Julie’s comment at the start of the ATM that the exploration of distinctions is a “never ending development”.
  • I felt quite out of practice. It felt like the training was a long time ago.
  • A distinction was how I felt as a student. I felt less wide-eyed and more knowing. But it was a deep knowing, a knowing in my body.
  • I liked Julie’s idea that you can think without words. I’d noticed during the ATM that there are times when the mind drifts toward a dreamlike state, dreamlike because you’re thinking in terms that are not words, such as images, and bodily sensations such as heaviness, lightness, groundedness, etc.